VD(ay) and other atrocities

I shared with a friend of many years last night that seeing Valentine's Day stuff makes me really unhappy. REALLY. UNHAPPY.  Of course she asked why and my answer was that it is just a sad reminder of some things that aren't that great.  It was an honest answer.  It reminds me that I'm not "coupled" and again, I embrace being single most of the time but there are other times when it is a bummer.  I'm human.  It also reminds me of a situation that I wish was different; however, you cannot force feelings.  I get it.  I also cannot flip my feelings off/on like a switch.  If I could, they would not be real.  RIGHT?  Right.  

Considering my propensity for making really (REALLY) bad romantic choices/decisions, this is not as bad as it may seem.  Trust me on that one.  Is it a stop on my path?  Maybe.  Will it turn a little more serious in time?  Maybe, but maybe not.  I understand the odds are not in my favor here. 1)  Male. 2) One previous marriage to an absolute heinous, no soul having wretched, wretched bitch - a bitch of the most heinous kind as she practically ruined a great, thoughtful guy.  There is no adequate level of contempt for women like that but...I digress.  3) Commitment is feared on a level that even makes ME look not commitment phobic at all.  Dudes. What can ya do? (yes, I know chicks have their own issues.  Duh, but this is my blog so..well, you know)  The important thing is that I recognize and acknowledge realistically and not try to justify things that I know aren't for me.  Ahhh, progress. 

I will say this - you cannot, in my opinion (disclaimer), have a truly healthy relationship with anyone until you can have one with yourself.  Learn and live autonomously, draw on your inner strength and find out what makes you tick.  How can you possibly know what you want/don't want in another person if you don't know who you really are - the good, the bad, the ugly and the awesome?! I learned this finally (FINALLY!) but it took me way longer than it should have.  Better late than never though.  

I am tempted to go dig up a blog entry from a few years ago....oy, I'd cringe.  The amount of justification I was doing for really crappy behavior will be astounding.  

Upward and onward, folks.